Life as an Empty Nester.
Technically, an Empty Nester is defined as a person or people with grown children that have moved out of the family home. Thus they have fled the “Nest”, to hopefully start their own adult lives; leaving us with the Empty Nest.
But no one tells us or advises us on how we, as parents are supposed to deal with that, until it has happened. Then, the shock sets in of what do we do now?
An Empty Nester Life
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When did this happen?
By the time I was an Empty Nester, I really had no idea what to expect. I was the youngest in my immediate family, but we all had children at similar times. This was great as the cousins all grew up together and we all had fun. But as my brothers and their kids grew older, we started moving in different directions and moved to different cities, so the constant family gatherings started to dwindle off.
By the time all of the cousins had grown to adult hood, us siblings didn't talk as much as a family unit anymore. So, going to them for advise was a little more difficult, especially with the distance between us and the difference in our ages. It didn’t help that I was the only girl, and the youngest of the clan.
Unfortunately, my mother died 2 years before my last child turned 18, so I was at a bit of a loss when the Empty Nester life thrust itself upon me.
There was limited research about how to deal with this new stage of my life, just constant stories from others about their experiences (which was great, don’t get me wrong) , but nothing to actually help. Being the only matriarch female left in my immediate family, I had to work it out for myself. There was lots of tears and mood swings, and many times I was just sitting and researching on how to deal with this new chapter of my life.
So here, on this website, I wanted to create something to help others, not just tell my story and show just pictures of me living the “dream”, so to speak. Some of us need advise, as well as knowing we are not alone.
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TIME FOR TRANSITION
The biggest hurdle any new Empty Nesters have to face is the transition from one routine of life into the next. Once, as a full time parent for let’s see… about 20 odd years, suddenly we are left with no children in the house, and our old routine is now redundant. Once our days were filled with laundry, dishes, trips to doctors and dentists, not to mention sport, dance classes, parent teacher interviews and the like. Then, surprisingly, to a quiet home with little to distract ourselves from what used to be the once lively and often noisy household.
So, how do we transition from one routine to the next? It’s not a simple task, and should be taken on gradually, and finding a new purpose for yourself is the key. A change of routine is often hard to start, but is achievable. You must shift your energy from being the parent to something else you love and enjoy, and focus all that energy into this new outlet. But what…… I hear you ask?
Start thinking of what you actually like doing. So much of your time and energy was spent looking after your children and focusing on them. But now it’s your turn. What do you like to do?
Finding yourself with extra time on your hands and a little out of sorts; maybe consider a new career move, or pick up an occupation that you had to put on hold whilst raising your family. It’s never to late to start something new.
Start an online course or go to Tafe. Everyone could always learn something new, and as long as it interests you, you will succeed.
Join a local club or community group. This will increase your friendship opportunities and fill in time whilst also doing something great for your town and local organizations.
Focus on your health and fitness. I don’t know about you, but I found it very difficult to fit in any fitness regime when the kids were at home. But now I’ve found I do have a little more time for gym, walks and even Yoga. I have also started eating healthier now that I don’t have to cook for the whole family. I have a little more time at dinner, so I can properly plan my meals to ensure that I’m eating healthy and getting all the vitamins and nutrients that I need at this age (better than just eating a leftover plate of spaghetti when the kids were home).
Start a new hobby, or once again delve into one of your previous hobbies that you had no time for when the kids were younger. It might be painting, or building a vegetable garden. Grow your own seedlings and sell them at a market, the list is endless. Just try to think of what you like to do and go with that. It’s only hard to start, then the rest follows easily.
Maybe you found a website that inspires you, maybe you could try making one of your own. Just make sure it is about something that you really love and know a little about, and the ideas will flow.
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Empty Nest Syndrome.
Once the children have actually left home, or are just about to, we get a mix of feelings from joy, to excitement and wondering what we are to do with are new found freedom, quiet house and lets face it, that little bit of extra cash. But somehow, those feelings can then also change. We often start to feel grief, loneliness and anxiety. This is not unusual and can be referred to as “Empty Nest Syndrome”. It’s not necessarily a ‘clinical’ condition, but it is the term used to name these feelings associated with the children leaving home.
People can really feel the loss of purpose now they don’t have to do the mundane (well we thought was at the time), chores associated with having children at home, like washing and ironing, cooking and the endless car trips to and from school, sports and other activities. What once was tiresome for us as parents, we now tend to grieve for those chores. What do we do now with our time, and why does it feel that our purpose in life has changed. All these feelings are common, and don’t think that you are the only one feeling these emotions. It is important that you let yourself go through this ‘grieving’ process and you will in the end, come out feeling much better than you did at the start.
To help cope with these new feelings, especially the sad ones, it is important for you to follow a few easy guidelines.
keep in contact with your children at least once a week. Phone calls, text messages, Face Book and of course you could always make a video call. Try to ask about what they are up to, and keep the conversation light and enjoyable for both parties. I’m sure no child wants their mother calling constantly to hear how they should run their life. Be positive and curious, but don’t infringe on their choices as an adult. Understand that your kids are adults now, and be prepared to treat them that way.
make time to pursue your own hobbies and activities. Now with that extra time you have, you should start delving into what you like to do. You have spent so much time investing in your children and their activities, now it’s your turn. Try a new hobby, or return to an old one. Try out new sports, or going to movies. Even invest that extra time with your partner, as I’m sure they might be feeling a similar loss to you and would love the extra attention.
find other friends or relatives, or even community or internet groups who are going through the same thing. It’s essential you talk about your feelings, and you will find advise and tips and tricks to help you move past these negative areas.
start a journal. My first place to keep my negative feelings from bursting out was to write things down. It can be a private journal just for yourself, and no one else has to read it. Fill it full of your thoughts for the day, both positive and negative. When the day is done, I suggest you then write 3 POSITIVE things you are grateful for. Each day or even week, try this out and when you put bad feelings on paper, you don’t hold them inside; so you wont ‘explode!’ It might seem silly at first, but it does work.
always have a plan for something to do. Don’t just sit there waiting for life to fix itself. Have something to always look forward to, whether it’s visiting the children or grandchildren, taking a small weekend trip, or starting that dance class you have always wanted. Always have a plan for something to make you feel good inside. Now it’s your time, so enjoy it.
if the depression feels like it is getting too much, and nothing helps you move forward, it is always best to speak to your local GP. Sometimes we can’t pull ourselves out of the ‘funk’ we are feeling, so always seek professional advise.
